Nothing turns the mind’s attention to sweet treats faster than a new resolve to eat healthier. With that in mind I’d like to poll my readers (and their friends and friends of friends) on the worst excuses for candy. Fortunately for this blog, Halloween seems to call forth more lame candy than costume parties bring out the black cat and French maid costumes for women of a certain age, mindset and body type. Now this poll is not about taste buds, i.e.: I hatehate black licorice but other people like it, so be it. This is about really stupid candy – the candy that if left open, unsupervised, out of the sight of others, within arm’s reach, on a day when I hadn’t had a chance to eat for 12 hours, I still, (most likely) wouldn’t eat it. I don’t even have particularly high standards for calling something “candy”: it must be edible, have some level of sweetness, be deemed more of a treat than a trick when eaten.
My top 10 ”Worst Excuses for Candy” list, in no particular order:
- Buttons are sugar drops on spare cash register tape. Just eat your daily newspaper instead, you’ll ingest the same amount of paper but you’ll also be supporting a challenged industry
- Stretchy candy necklaces are nothing more than sticky spit conveyances for neck and nape. Don’t we typically try to keep hair out of our food?
- Orange circus peanuts. They are as inexcusable in design (the shape is peanutty, but it’s orange), as they are mystifying in flavor, (it’s not peanut, it’s not orange)
- Wax lips (vampire, bad teeth or kissy style). Much more “candles” than candies” a typo probably landed them in the candy aisle in the first place, and the world just left them there.
- Wax bottles filled with colored sugar water of dubious origins and flavor
- Corn Candy – unless you consider the fun factor of nibbling one colorful layer at a time. My suspicion was these are more than 50% wax, but no ingredient list would confirm it
- Peeps – I don’t care what toxic color or shape they take; you could roll them in M&Ms and I still wouldn’t call them candy because nobody actually likes to eat them; they are Easter’s fruitcake and they’re trying to take over the other holidays as well
- Those flying saucer things reminiscent of but less tasty than BB-filled communion hosts
- Pop rocks – their appeal is the fact they explode in your mouth???
- Horehound Slugs, they exist, I assure you, and are the candy equivalent of Moxie soda. In fact, it is so medicinal tasting that if it really were medicine, the makers would have the good sense to add a lot of grape flavoring to try to make it palatable.
Now go ahead vote for one of these or add your own. Votes will be tallied by the end of the month. And you may also check back at that time to see if I actually ate any of these candies that I was forced to buy for my photo shoot.
©2011 Alison B. Colby-Campbell